Whyyyyy

I’m still on your Netflix
Girl, I know you love me
Even though your parents
They don’t fu***** trust me
They probably alright though
I know I’m an asshole
No reply to all your texts girl I do you mad cold

Like you’re just
Dying to drive but you can’t find the keys, now
Looking for God but you’re down on your knees, I’m
All that you want but not what you need girl why

Tell me why do you still love me
Why do you love me?
You know you shouldn’t love me
Yea you still love me

All your friends tell you they hate me
God I’m f***kin’ shady
Couple weeks ago they were inside my sheets naked
Club, so you can Snapchat
T***ies out to snap that
I know that you do that shit just hoping for a snapback

Like you’re just
Dying to drive but you can’t find the keys, now
Looking for God but you’re down on your knees, I’m
All that you want but not what you need girl why

Tell me why do you still love me
Why do you love me?
You know you shouldn’t love me
Yea you still love me, oh

Why do you need me when you know you don’t need me?
It’s tearing you apart
I leave you broken and shaken
And you still call me baby

Tell me why do you still love me
Why do you love me?
You know you shouldn’t love me
Yea you still love me

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Something is not right

Ha, I don’t even know what or why or how, but a big part of me is yearning to go out and travel. I miss the beach (who doesn’t) and particularly I miss the feeling of traveling, most probably alone.

I think I need some time out. I will not justify my feeling for I know there are some people who’ve been through more difficult time than me.

I don’t even know why am I feeling this, I just feel tired.

 

Bebel lagi, I kan suka bebel…

Tapi rupanya ada orang yang lagi suka bebel! HAHA.

No, malas nak cerita pasal orang, clever girls don’t talk about other people. Instead, we talk about perception. Adeh. Bolehlah kan labu.

Case 1 : Breakfast apa pagi ni?

Oh well, it’s not that I don’t appreciate your thoughts, but I don’t think I like being asked about this kind of things. Alamak, jahat tak kalau marah orang tanya I macam tu. Or adakah itu faktor umur? Teringat pula pakcik I pernah cakap, kalau SMS setakat nak tanya “dah makan ke?” Tak payahlah! Membazir katanya. Tapi tu dulu, masa kos satu sms ialah RM0.20, sekarang ni pakai apps dah tak rasa kredit habis for satu satu text, kan? Tapi masalahnya, (no, it’s not really a problem) orang yang tanya I tu lagi tua dari I. Takde kerja ke dia? Mungkin sebab dia boss kot? Or mungkin itu salah satu small talk? Tapi takkanlah terjadi hari-hari. If you have nothing to talk about, please don’t talk, boleh? Oh, cerewetnya I!

Case 2 : Nak orang macam I! 

I selalu rasa I adalah seorang yang balance. Gitu (perasan, biasalah) so I was like, hmmm if I want someone, I want it to be just like me. Hmmm. Tapi Ted dan Robin kata (or was it Barney and Robin, or maybe Lily and Marshall – belasah) katanya kalau dua-dua awesome (ehem!) nanti susah jugak! Like, hmmm I peninglah! I selalu terfikir, if I didn’t get a reply from this one, perhaps it was because I also didn’t reply someone else’s text. You see that one I hoped would reply my text, was just like me! He didn’t reply because he was like, meh… malas. Did I send a trivial text, like “dah makan ke?” hahaha. Funny! Kena sebijik kan? Nope I would text nothing important, like “hmmmm” – this is only if we got along very well and we understood each other lah. But hmmm… entahlah. I pun tak faham. But I concluded that I am a bit complicated so I hope for someone that is much more simpler but at the same time, could conclude things for me. I have so many questions, I think – don’t you think so? I hope my significant other (if there’s one) would be able to solve these questions like – nak makan mana? biru ke merah? whatever lah.

Case 3 : Hormat-menghormati, menjaga hati

Kadang-kadang bila I rasa orang tak hormat I, I would just keep myself quiet and then, would find time to reflect on my behaviour, if I was lucky I would be guided by good people. But most of the times, I would just realized that I was being too kind. (I know, perasan). Tapi ia tidak mustahil kan? I rasa semua orang ada rasa diri mereka patut dihormati, dan dijaga hati. Sebab tu dia berang kalau kita tersalah cakap or anything kita cakap akan sampai di hati dia, menyebabkan dia berperasaan diri dia tak dihormati (I pernah juga rasa) tapi… sebenarnya, if things are not related to us, we could just laugh about it kan, if things were on us/about us, we felt like, eh… what the hell? Oh, I malas nak fikir.

I lupa I selalu cakap macam ni, kalau benda tu sampai directly to u, your name was on that thing, then kita kena fikir, betul ke kita buat benda tu? If tak betul, then kena betulkan. Tapi, kalau kita cuma dengar someone said “tadi Mr A cakap pasal you pasal ni pasal tu, tak puas hati dengan u” tak payahlah nak sentap apa-apa. If betul si Mr A tak puas hati dengan u… biar dia cakap sendiri dengan u. But then, I sendiri pun lupa, okay! next time if tak puas hati dengan orang, teruslah pergi cakap dengan orang tu, okay?

Case 4 : Jangan perasan diri tu baik sangat 

Ye, Aishah… you ingat you tu hebat sangat ke? Entahlah kadang-kadang okay je nak rasa hebat because sometimes we deserve it. Asal tak susahkan orang ikut sukalah kan.

Case 5 : Jangan ingat kita je busy 

Betul tu… especially bila kita buat kerja melibatkan orang ramai. Kita jangan ingat part kita je yang penting, dan kita juga yang banyak kerja. Eh, ke I dah pernah tulis pasal ni? Tu jelah, gist dia, semua orang pun sibuk dan kita kalau tak boleh membantu, jangan menyusahkan. (Ingat tu aishah!)

Sekian dulu bebelan I pada minggu ini! Selamat hujung minggu semua!

 

 

Berkongsi

Semalam I berkongsi perasaan dan luahan hati, di twitter. Sadis juga. Ada hal sedikit.

Susahkan, being the eldest one, with no mum and adik adalah range dari umur 30 sampai 13. How do mum coped with everything. I wanted to tabik spring to every mum in the world.

I have to listen  (read, in my case, because brother typed his heart out via sms) to their feeling. The critical part is I could detect a dissatisfaction on something, but what disappointed me the most was that he knew who and who he should meet to voice out his feeling but he chose to kept the info from me. He chose to make silent but at the same time, voicing out his dissatisfaction on me, and when I asked and suggested thing, he came out with an unexpected conclusion.  It disappointed me even more.

Nevermind, I guess he could think for his own good, he’s thirty anyway.

Dahlah, today I am having buka puasa with officemates at Bangi Golf Resort, (in Bangi ler…)

Till then, bye.

Tomorrow

It’s my late mum’s birthday tomorrow.

How I missed her, it’s like I still can hear her voice, her excited and cheerful voice when we spoke on the phone the last time, the last night before her passing.

Al Fatihah.

Last year, she was here, at my Putrajaya home on her birthday, I took her to National Museum and she even followed us siblings to Uptown Mines the night before, she said that she needed to walk, to practice for saie (she went for Hajj last November, and she passed away 5 days after returning home). May Allah bless her, and may our good deed will be with her, insyaAllah.

I am not sure about my other siblings, they seem so strong, I hope they are stronger inside.

I am not sure about what future holds, but I wish that we will always be blessed, though most of the times I found myself slipping away from Allah. Hopefully I will be better muslim…

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last year, during school break 🙂
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at the National Museum
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Celebrating her 54th birthday, last year.
May Allah bless her soul…

 

 

Harus tahu

Entri tak fikir panjang mana.

Pada masa ini ada banyak lagi perkara yang lebih penting untuk kau selain dari yang kau terkejar-kejar tu. Ada kerja, tanggungjawab pada keluarga dan juga pelajaran yang kau gatal nak sambung tu. Faham tak?

Walaupun begitu, hati kecil kau yang degil tu selalu jugak nak jerit jerit, nak benda yang tak pasti jadi milik kau. Kan. Cuba bersyukur sikit dan fikir dalam dalam, tarik nafas panjang-panjang dan ingat, yang Allah dah jadikan sesuatu tu sudah tepat pada tempatnya, cumanya mahu kau sabar. Ingat dan hargai apa yang kau ada, daripada nak mengharapkan benda yang tak pasti tu.

Cuba serapkan dalam diri, hati, lubuk kalbu dan segalanya yang boleh, yang tak semestinya apa yang kau mahu tu, baik untukmu dan tak semestinya apa yang kau tolak itu, buruk untukmu. Ingat tu.

Dan, masih juga hati mahu jerit perlahan-lahan,

Tuhan, aku rasa sebahagian kecil hati aku ini sudah dicuri. Oleh orang yang tak menyedari perlakuan jahat dia yang telah mencuri hati aku ini.

Yang benar,

pemalu yang mahu.

 

Miss Advised ;-)

Well,

I don’t know if you guys watch this show or not, but forgive me, I am a sucker for this kind of chic tv show. The show is one of a kind, where I think I could relate to one of the three actors. My favourite would have been Julia Allison. She’s a dating expert, as they said. Basically I think, we’ve been through few similar situations and we used to be looking for the one. 😛 (I am happy that now she’s found her Mr. Right, while me, err still searching or maybe I am just resting for a while and letting things happen).

I read Julia’s blog and I think there’s a lot of references that I could (relate) relate to, of  course. But as Julia said, it’s when we learned and knew how to be loved then, the love will find us, hopefully, well I do hope I didn’t misunderstand her point.

There are also Amy (the matchmaker) and Emily (the sex expert). While both things are something taboo in our culture, I believe that the audiences are adult enough to observe those appropriate acts only. I can’t help but think those who blame others over their own stupid acts are merely, stupid, (that) they can’t think for themselves. Well, I did being stupid sometimes but well, to blame others, please.

***

On other note, I have found this cute blog, named Oldstock, basically about a man who tells stories while reminiscing his past, with relate-able experiences that could make (wise) men, women, boys and girls more grateful to be here. Though when I read it, I almost wished I was at the same age with him and had same chances as he had, now that seems ungrateful hehe. I wish him the best.

So, tomorrow I will be having my first class for this new semester, oh, I forget to share that I was offered (after much hassle, and of course I applied for it) a scholarship by JPA that it will cover my study fee, well, that means so much. Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, all the best, I hope we will all have a bliss and blessed weekend. Insha Allah.

Take (good) care. Someone used to say this a lot. I miss him, not. Just a thought, okay, I wish he could make up his mind, but that’s another story, pray for me.

Again, take care. 🙂

Love.